trying too hard

On the way to finding my calling, I have found something that I need to stop doing: trying too hard. I’m somewhat of a control-freak by nature and it is really, really easy for me to get lost in solving a problem and lose sight of the big picture.  It really frustrates me when something doesn’t work so I tend to expend a LOT of energy to fix it.  Imagine how hard that can be when the thing not working is me. **sigh**

I’m starting to think that finding my calling in life is not really found while taking endless personality tests, career aptitude tests, reading career books, listening to career podcasts and taking endless notes on everything I’ve ever thought that I liked.  I have learned a lot of good stuff about myself but it hasn’t really worked. That’s annoying.  I thought effort = results.  Apparently, sometimes effort = spinning your wheels.

Maybe I should lighten up and have a little fun.Something tells me that’s when the proverbial lightning will hit my tired brain.  Let’s hope so.

What Does Successful Mean?

As the New Year drifts into memory, I am already finding challenges in 2010 that feel daunting and have made me reconsider some of my goals.  This is a big deal for me because I have not been very disciplined in achieving goals and I was getting frustrated.  It was with this in mind that I decided that 2010 was going to be different; I was not going to let life happen to me any more!

Truly, that challenges find me is not surprising.  I knew they would come but I did not expect that the greatest challenges would come from within me.  My class at Phoenix Seminary this semester has forced me to think about some deep-seated beliefs and perspectives that are somewhat painful to face.  They’re painful because they deal primarily with what I believe about myself and how these beliefs came to be.

I’ll just say it: I am a people pleaser.  There it is.  Oh how I hate admitting that but it is entirely true! I want to be seen as a strong and steady man that can weather storms and get the job done when the odds are against me but that’s just not true right now.  In fact, I have never met someone that strives to please others as much as I do.  It’s a painful thing to face this and it’s taken years of hurt and grief for me to start paying attention to it.

At its root, I find that this people pleasing behavior is really a reaction to my fear of being rejected or disliked by others. I want you to like me so I’ll say or do most anything to make that happen—I’ll like the things you like; I’ll try to be funny; I’ll help you even if I don’t have the time or money to do so; and I will not confront you.  You could imagine the havoc that is wrought in someone’s life if they live by these principles and, for me, the worst of the consequences is loneliness.  Sometimes it was too hard to face people so the easiest and most pain-free option would be to withdraw from them.  This has been the hardest with other men.  I believe there are many influences in this but I just never felt like I fit in with the guys.

So, as I sort through this and look to my future, I have to redefine what should be considered successful.  Usually I would feel successful when I felt liked.  However, as soon as I felt that someone disapproved of me to even the slightest degree, my success instantly transformed into failure, hitting me very hard.  So this, obviously, needs to change.  My self-worth and my measure of success needs to rest of something more solid so I am starting with God.  I am reevaluating my view of Him and His view of me.  Many lies and falsehoods have crept in and I believe correcting these will radically change how I live and what I consider to be success.

Joy & Purpose

I believe that joy is one of the most important tools that you have in determining your calling in life.  This may sound a little far-fetched at first but I became more convinced of it the further along I went in my journey.  You may remember from my previous post that I said that I came to a point where I did not know what I enjoyed doing or did for fun in my free time.  I was so disconnected from myself that I would not have known how to have fun if I tried.  This is a sad place to be, really.

Dr. Thomas J. Stanley is a researcher that studies the affluent in America and he has found that a common theme among millionaires is that they love what they do. It makes sense when you think about it.  Work you love is easy to do and work that you do not love is more difficult to do.  Hard work and perseverance make people successful and I think it would take an iron will (or an act of God) to do that in work you do not love.

Now, I was just talking about work.  What about life in general?  The life you love will include things you love.  Dan Miller, author of 48 Days To The Work You Love, says that there are seven areas in life that you need to be successful in: work, finances, family, physical, spiritual, social (friends) and personal development.  Find things you love in each of these areas and try to be successful in all of them.  It may take time to get there but it is worth it.

And what about me? Great question!  Well, the biggest thing that I’m pursuing right now that I believe will bring me joy is getting a master’s degree from Phoenix Seminary. I’m just starting this month so I can’t really say how it’s going but this is something I’ve wanted to pursue for years.  Maybe even close to a decade! Whoa. Am I planning on becoming a pastor?  Well, not necessarily.  I know that seminaries exist to train pastors to do their work but I’m currently pursuing it because I have had a fascination with the Bible ever since I became a Christian back in 1995.  I love learning about the history involved, the culture of the time, how it relates to our world today, etc.  Yes, I am even that nerd that gets into the ancient languages that the Bible was originally written in.

Will this be easy?  No! There are challenges all over the place.  Paying for school, paying for the rest of life, taking care of our beautiful Linnea, finding time to do homework, not losing touch with friends and family are just some of the challenges I face. But I love this stuff so I’m willing to do what it takes to make it happen.  I’ll keep you up-to-date, of course!

the point of this blog

Sometimes I need to step back and ask myself why I do certain things because it is far too easy to keep habits and traditions going even though they may no longer serve a real point.  This is especially true for me regarding blogs.  Blogs are so easy to create and there is no accountability to keep them updated.  However, getting a real following on a blog is hard work and it needs to fit into your life and not be yet another thing to add into the mix.  So, with the new year; a new life in our home; and a birthday that has pushed me into the next decade, I thought it wise to consider why I am blogging at Soon To Be Me.

First, I chose this title for the blog based on the last decade of my life facing an immense challenge in finding my calling.  I call the challenge immense because I found myself at a point where, if someone were even to ask me what I enjoyed doing in my free time, I would have literally had no answer.  I didn’t do things that I enjoy. My time was filled with obligation and a long to-do list and I didn’t have time for anything enjoyable.  My brother often noted that I was never happy.  I took offense to this for a little while but, really, he was right.  I was not happy.  I think that if someone were to look at what was going on inside my heart they would have seen a confusing, tangled mess.  When this realization hit me I began the process of  figuring out exactly who I am. I hoped and prayed to God that I would soon become myself.

This is why I really like the quote by Kierkegaard: “Now, with God’s help, I shall become myself.”

I spent a lot of time around a lot of interesting and influential people and I envied their personalities, their circumstances, their accomplishments and even some of their struggles that sounded so simple.  I secretly (or sometimes not-so-secretly) wanted to be just like them. Rather, maybe I should state that I just didn’t want to be like me.  I know this would surprise some people I know because I did get a lot of  compliments over the years.  I felt, however, that I was trying so hard to not be myself that they weren’t actually complimenting my skills, abilities, personality traits, etc. I essentially wore a mask so all these nice things said to me felt like they were complimenting my facade and not me.  It drove me to keep that mask from falling apart.  God, in his mercy, allowed this mask to fail so that I can stop hiding. I have to stand before a mirror each day and take an honest look at myself and remind myself that, if I cannot trust myself to God and others, I will face a lonely life.

This brings me to the other major reason why this blog exists.  After realizing that I had been a passive participant in my life for many years, I discovered that we are each responsible for the decisions we make, the lifestyles we lead and even how we respond to those big things that happen to us that are beyond our control.  I know.  This epiphany should have come much earlier in life but I figure that it’s better late than never to learn a valuable truth.  I want to chronicle my journey into being all that I am capable of becoming and perhaps even inspire others to live life on purpose.

Life is hard.  Sometimes it is really hard.  But life can also be really good and I believe that experiencing the good life begins with finding and pursuing what God has given each person to do during their lifetime.  This calling shouldn’t be a mystery but can be determined by examining how we are “put together.” Will you join me in this journey?  I hope so.

fear and failure

We bought a mug from the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf last year that says, “What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?”  I really like this mug’s saying because it makes me pause for a brief moment and envision a world that does not yet exist…but could.  It makes me dream of a life that I don’t have yet, but might have one day.  The question on this mug is actually meant to instruct.  It drives you to carry out the little (or big) dreams in your mind.

I meet with my friend Jon each Monday evening to talk about life and what we think God is doing around us.  This week I had to be honest and say that the biggest hindrance in my life is my own fear of failure.  I have even had a psychiatrist tell me that I was ‘anxiety prone’ and I believe this is perhaps the biggest obstacle in my marriage, the biggest roadblock in my career and the highest hurdle to jump over as I pursue the full life.  I have missed opportunities because of  my anxiety and fear.  I took the safe route and not the road less traveled.  And sometimes I wonder where I went wrong.

So what would you attempt to do if you could not fail?  Do it!  You will fail at some point along the way.  However, I encourage you not to fear it.  Do not let the fear of what could happen stop you from pursuing the dreams in your mind.  That’s been the story of my life so far and its dull and boring.  Make a careful plan–preparation matters–but then you must do it.  When you reach points of failure you need to learn and keep moving.  Every successful person I’ve researched has failed at some point.

As for me, I have lots of change coming my way.  The biggest change is a baby girl due in January.  This felt like a huge problem at first but I’m excited for it now.  Her coming has driven me to rethink where I’m taking my family and what legacy I want to leave behind.  I am becoming more intentional as time goes on.  I’ve applied to Phoenix Seminary. I’m looking at creative ways to earn more money.  All of this scares the crap out of me and I am forcing myself to live outside my comfort zone.  But I am realizing that our lives won’t move forward without some level of (calculated) risk.